Rewind, Repeat

I'm not on track. On ANY track. When will I pick myself up out of the mud? Ever? I never want to do anything or see anyone. I take the feelings I have out on the people around me, namely my mother. In reality I'm lucky to have a mother like her who is so patient and understanding of something I don't even understand myself. I know she's waiting on me because she loves me, and I know I forget that or deny it sometimes. I can be really cruel with her, and I know for a fact it's because I hate myself. I don't want to be looked at or spoken to. It's been this for 3 years now and it only gets progressively worse. I've pushed the people who were closest to me away. I can say that it is not always my fault, because it isn't - but I don't give anybody new in my life a chance, so I'll never replace the void that the old ones left. Things have spiraled further and further down for me. I'm starting to look as bad as I feel. This is so much easier to admit than it is to change. I don't even feel the need for people anymore -which is good. But I'm feeling the desperate need for some normalcy and some sanity... it seems I won't allow it for myself though. I won't let myself get very far.